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My one-year anniversary

I was not writing in my journal a year ago today. I was overwhelmed with learning my new job and abandoned all thoughts of Cambriel, Snow White, and my other WIP's for a very stressful several weeks. So this is the closest entry I have to that time.

My life… is totally different than when last I wrote. Wow. I was waiting on the job news. Now I’m one month into the job. I feel kind of insecure right now. I’m afraid I’m a lousy scientist—and my fear is not so much in losing my identity because I’m an ineffectual scientist—it’s more like being found for a sham and thrown out. I think it’s kind of funny I do for a career something that interests me not at all while my passions lie elsewhere. But my passions are only passions. They don’t last me very long every day. I am too capricious to devote myself to writing...

However, I screwed up a lot today... Some of the things I have to do—like pretending to review those folders again and again to learn them—are so mentally excruciating... I squashed one of the baskets today. I screwed up my dissolution so royally. I didn’t measure my amounts well at all. I spilled some. I injected one sample on top of another, in the wrong vial. I erased my timer twice. I did all the things wrong I possibly could have. Then I stayed pretty late just to clean up my dissolution... I fear I will have to re-do everything... You know, I was really getting a plan together when I got... this job. I was going to be a web designer. Study each day for hours on my own, then take a class.

However, I have my writing. It’s coming to me now, in full and shining glory, overcoming me, hooking into its dream. I have these afternoons, these glorious afternoons after a day of hard work, where I am at Starbucks writing and planning. My goal is throughout my life to complete and perfect every possible story in this folder. That is a goal to work for. I also have goals to be a web designer, to build sites pertaining to my writing and photography interests, and develop sites for their own sake—mobile sites, especially. CMS’s. I have dreams and plans. No matter how hard my day was, I have this.

And I can buy whatever I want again. I don’t hold back. When Nathan and I go to expensive restaurants, I savor every bite. The world is in living color for me now. The sacrifice is 5 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.

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