A Reprise

Because I find that you are always on my heels. As soon as I find resolution with one problem, it disappears, and then I am presented with another problem. So I say, what way can I twist to rid myself of this cramp, is there some way I can contort myself such that in the worst case scenario I can still manage. And amazing even though I know I'm not approaching this problem in the right way, I do always come up with a way to twist myself, and I realize I am re-inventing myself, I am re-inventing myself to run away from a monster, but somehow it works. I face the monster and I say, here is my arsenal, and I lay out my weapons before him, I lay out my philosophies and my loves and desires and dreams and say, here, this is not something you can be or understand. And then I win that battle, and then there's another monster to face me. What do you do when there is this kind of problem within yourself, where these monsters will always come. What can I write, what can I craft, what can...

When I was eight and nine years old, I started to think a lot about death. There was one summer, when I realized that I would be dead one day, with absolute certainty, that my mind would no longer form thoughts, my senses would no longer receive information from the world around me. I would no longer exist. At night I would lay awake and think of the nothingness, and I felt an absolute despair. I felt like life was meaningless if there was death. My belief system didn't allow me to resolve these feelings, because the only thing I learned was that one day I would die and go to Heaven, which was no consolation to me at all. Today I was thinking about it and realized why that wasn't a consolation. Because "Heaven" is a static entity. "Death" is a static entity. "Life" is ever-changing, and this is what my spirit desires. I believe in reincarnation, and I have always believed in reincarnation. I never felt the need to resolve this belief with the idea ...

In studying generational theory and the turning-over of eras, and the repetition of eras, I feel like I can see this pattern in my own life, but it's not completely clear. Often I feel like I've entered a time when I am just like I was at a certain age. I can see it in my actions, words and preferences. I can also characterize my eras by discoveries of art, culture or entertainment that have made an astounding change in me that starts radiating outward. I can also think of eras when I have not had a reference art/culture to inspire me, and I have struggled artistically and otherwise. I normally don't recognize the discovery at first. It will bother my mind as something "strange" bother me more and more until I turn it over and reconcile it. It is always frightening to reconcile this new thing into my character. I tend to be drawn to things that I know other people will think are strange, so there will be a time of resistance and questioning as I ask myself who...

When I stepped outside this morning the first thing I felt was the wind, loving me. I breathed deeply and leaned into his embrace. He said, you're not alone, you're as un-alone as can be, I'm here. I went to be outside at lunch-time. There were sunflowers blooming, and I was so happy to see them there despite the drought. The sun shone intermittently and made me feel alive. The wind blew, troubling me, but I reminded myself that it was alive, and that it was change. The summer is nearly over, and this spirit is transforming the earth.

What does it mean to look not with the eyes but with the heart? I didn't really know what that meant. It's not as sappy as it sounds. I've been talking a lot about the astral plane without knowing what that really means, but I guess I read enough from Doreen Valiente and Dion Fortune to take my own definition. As above, so below, for every physical entity, there is a spiritual entity. Additionally, remembering past lives is achived through spiritual memory, not physical memory. For me, the world around me is my teacher. I can see myself, conflicts and challenges that come up, sometimes completely unexpectedly, exposing my vulnerabilities and unsoundness. I see it through my spiritual eyes, I see this map of my life like some kind of thermo-topographical map with red areas and blue areas, and I can figure out what I need to know by looking at the map. To an extent that makes tarot irrelevant, doesn't it? But sometimes I can't always see, and the tarot has so far ...