A Reprise

At the top you can see a strip of paper. When the integrator has a total breakdown we have to enter that raw code in letter for letter. It goes something like else !$2.0;19; etc. We have to get every space and character exactly or it won't work.

This is a chromatogram. Coming off first is a phenylephrine peak. Do you see the hump or deposit at the end of the peak? That's bad. Using a different column on another system I was able to get them to separate but that HPLC isn't working correctly. These instruments are from 1992.

It's rare I have a chance to do a photolog from work. Let me tell you, I am so excited. Last month around this time I stressed and sickened over something, finished it off as best as I could, it was reviewed, but QA rejected it. Here I am again, less than 24 hours before another deadline given this product again, and don't think I haven't spent this last week burning the candle at both ends on several other little surprises. I don't mean to be dark, but I'm tempted to open the bottle and swallow all of the damn pills right now. Everyone was allowed to go home early due to all our hard work, but not me, because I am stuck with this terrible product which I've known from the beginning is just plain wrong. Why is it in quality control that when something is wrong with a product the analyst is made to suffer, and suffer, and suffer? Don't worry, I already know the answer to that one. But really, don't worry, because I have my own means of amusing myself. I f...

Black knit - 3 tops, 2 long-sleeved, 1 tank top Blue pinstripe - 2 dresses for Fanny, one Victorian, one modern Yellow floral calico - napkins, apron for the dishwashing liquid Pink rose calico - napkins, other side of dishwashing liquid apron, Regency dress for Rose Snow White fabric - apron, placemats, tea towels. Blue striped knit - tank top, tea towels. Pink glitter fabric - wrap-around skirt, princess dress for Marguerite. Also remember - matching thread iron-on velcro all needed patterns lace: small tea-stained and yellow vintage Also - embroidering my tea towel curtains

Last night I dreamed so many things! I just remembered another one. I dreamed I made a life-size doll of cloth and stuffing using Venus Dodge's methods, articulating the fingers, and dressing her in Victorian/Southern belle clothing. It was so amazing I almost want to do it, especially if I could make a costume on a grand scale. Maybe I would do 2 or 3 feet tall instead of 5 or 6.

I thought this picture the inspector took for the front of our report was rather funny. It is my understanding now that a home inspection is meant to highlight every possible flaw about a home. I could not help but think that this picture is funny with respect to that. Our inspector did uncover a few sources of discomfort, possibly horror for us, that led to some stressful bartering. In the end, it was out of the hands of buyer and seller and then suddenly, placed right into our hands. At any case, our home looks nothing like this picture.

Here's the little table in one of the barns that the former owner made. As you can see, everything is very dusty. This place has been uninhabited for some time.

I am in the midst of this great void right now. I am so tired I may not know what I am talking about. In this void I am grasping at things. I can see that I am looking for some group like me, but everywhere I turn I cannot conform to another's thoughts. In this void it's as though there are three things left to me. Zen, Ecclesiastes, and Jesus. They are the only things/people in whom I can reside completely without becoming uncomfortable because I am not being myself. The first two are a cold and void-like space that chills me, and I remain skeptical about Jesus. People seem to like different things about him, for different reasons. I seem to love Jesus with the hippies, lying in the grass feeling the earth spin ??? and being like the lilies of the field. The natural Jesus maybe ??? Who am I? I started this journal, how many years ago, almost six now, because I couldn't see straight from stresses, because I was clinging to my creativity. Now... I just wish I could understan...

Delphinia awoke to sunlight softly warming her blankets. For a moment her mind was untroubled till like lights all of the present issues in her life lit up. Her gaze lifted to the opposite wall of hard stone, reminding her of her presence in the Markgraf’s castle. Next to her bed in a saucer lay a sparkling ring, a diamond encircled by pearls and gold scrolling. It was a princess’s ring, a token of ideal love. Her gaze fell further to the breakfast tray her maid had brought, and on the tray was a small vase of velvet pink roses. A susurration across the room caught her attention. She saw Gervaise’s stooped form in the drifting light, laying out her clothing. “Gervaise? You brought me flowers?” “They were lying in a cluster at your door. I put them in some water for you.” “Oh.” Delphinia fingered the roses. A sick feeling washed over her as she realized all signs pointed to Christoph actually loving her. She sat up in the bed and slipped the ring onto her finger. As she swung around sh...

So tired out, so hopeful, with little lilts of joy to touch me once in a while, so short on sleep, can't rest, can't sit down, can't think about anything except tabulating numbers and lining up everything I'm going to do in a streamlined way. I worked really hard yesterday to put together two crock pots for us tonight. After I work late I'm going to use my treat receipt and sit for a moment at Starbucks and work on Winter Light and writing. I am so tired I don't know if I miss it, but I'm sure I do.

It is about to rain. The sky is dark, the birds are flying low, and the air is heavy. I have ten more minutes before I have to return. I find I cannot sit in the building any more on my breaks. I have had such a deep need lately to have a boundary between myself and the building. What if we could all experience the sunshine of the spotless mind every day? Somehow life gets so complicated. I put my dressform in the small room I adore as my sewing room. It is just what I wanted. It is a sewing room. I am reading A Sicilian Romance by Ann Radcliffe. It is so good! I have actually not read her in my adult life. It's like I'm discovering her for the first time. The Mysteries of Udolpho was too immense for me in high school. Her discernment and discussion of human behavior is rapier-sharp. I have noticed how the Age of Reason authors focus on the nuances of behaviors and personalities that truly resonate down the centuries. I will come up with some quotes when I am on my PC. We can a...

Here are the keys to our new home as of right now.

Guess where I am again? They have the treat receipt now. I take advantage of it pretty much every day. And I thought I was going to die. I worked an hour and a half late, but hunger pains kicked in at 2:00, so in reality I suffered for a whole two hours. I am sitting here having devoured my chonga bagel and feel so odd. My stomach isn't hungry now, but my head is reeling. I am trying to get in good shape so I can get good groceries after work. I'm afraid I won't get to the store before rush hour now. So, I had some more ideas today. It's hard because I'm always so tired after dinner, but I really want to put little boxes of food together for the fridge or freezer for our lunches, labeled, dated and I am picturing them tied with raffia too. That will be pretty, and the lids don't stay on because they're warped. My new crock pot recipes make huge quantities. That's not good for two people, but if you have a bigger piece of meat it takes longer, and I can s...

The more I think about this, the more I keep laughing. I knew my Starbucks was special. Gosh, I love this place. This was taped over the word "slut" engraved in the side of the bathroom mirror. Hey, the tape was peeled halfway back. I wonder how many people had to look.

Loving angst Downstairs I laugh, I sport and jest with all; But in my solitary room above I turn my face in silence to the wall; My heart is breaking for a little love. I feel no spring, while spring is well-nigh blown, I find no nest, while nests are in the grove: Woe's me for mine own heart that dwells alone, My heart that breaketh for a little love. L.E.L., Christina Rossetti I have always loved angst, the brokenhearted, songs that sing about the abandoning lover with despair, spirit or whatever. I know Elton John feels the same way since I have heard "Sad Songs Say So Much." You can keep your Celine Dion. Give me darkly beautiful passion, betrayal, despair. I love this (excerpted) poem by Christina Rossetti. If I could scrape together the negative feelings I sometimes have and make something like that out of them I would be redeemed forever. "My heart is breaking for a little love," I have been dramatizing it whilst counting out my filters, taking kettle tem...

I dreamt I set a sunflower, And red as blood it grew-- But such a sunflower never Bloomed beneath the sun.

  Every time we eat at a favorite restaurant, I ask myself, will this be the last time? When we move, we will be far away from these places. We have been going to King Chinese BBQ for at least five years now. It is my favorite Chinese restaurant. I have never eaten Chinese food quite like they do it here. It is not breaded or fried, but marinated with different flavors which are delectable. In addition to their huge menu selection, they have many different drinks, most of which I’ve had, I think. I don’t drink milk tea or jelly tea any more due to calorie concerns, so I had their soymilk last weekend, which was wonderful and grassy. Could it have been the last BBQ?

       

For Nathan’s birthday we went to Cafe Madrid in the Bishop Arts District in Dallas.   Our tapas selections were two different cheese platters, chorizo, quail, salmon and the Salvador Dali dessert (there were three of us). I love the atmosphere of Bishop Street and Oak Cliff in Dallas. It’s been a long time since we’ve been to Dallas. It’s really hard to believe I was once there every day. I love the older places in Dallas that have a sense of urban arts, like Oak Cliff and Deep Ellum. I don’t know what’s in Deep Ellum now. There’s really only one eating place where we still like to go ( Cafe Brazil ), but we never get there anymore, since we’ve lost touch with the Rasputina/Les Claypool concert days. When I start writing like this I get to feeling sad and rebellious. But whatever we do in the future, we’re going to do it our own way. I love our life, where we can express ourselves creatively, openly thwarting expectations, or whatever we think are expectations, o...

  She fell asleep over her studies.

O dream how sweet, too sweet, too bitter sweet, Whose wakening should have been in Paradise, Long while running, how short when run, Time to eternity has descended, Timeless eternity has begun.

My next story.

So when I dragged my withered body to the porch this evening to try to sew my curtains like a poor fool in a dungeon grasping at light after a twelve and half hour long work day, why did I hear a gunshot very, very close to me? Why do I have a feeling it's the guy that moved in shooting at something off his porch? Thanks for that, I hauled it inside immediately. God, what else, really?

- waking up to the sound of percolating coffee, thanks to my coffee pot's timer - picking up my freshly-ironed clothing from the dry cleaners' - a slim book of Christina Rossetti's poems in the armrest in my car - a breakthrough - the sound of cicadas on summer evenings - finding another bud on my rosebush - seeing a hawk - getting a new magazine in the mail - the bright light that covers the trees before sunset

  In an effort to reduce waste I have decided not to buy any more paper towels or napkins. I have a good-sized collection of vintage napkins which I brood over and iron regularly. I realized pretty quickly this weekend, however, that I’m going to have to make more napkins soon in order to make this work. That I do not mind at all, because that is within my skill-set, and there are some vintage-style calicos at Wal-mart now for very cheap. I can’t wait to make my shopping trip after work tomorrow. I have one cloth shopping bag and wish to make some of those myself as well.

  Nathan has been inventing and making his own contraptions frequently lately. Here, his thermometer-holder over the kettle of heating milk.

  One thing I would like to do one day is open a Persian Cat Rescue Shelter. After putting up with this one for five years, I think we can handle anything. I can’t get over the fact that I found her at the humane society, which is not no-kill, and that she had been there for a month. It was at least her second time in there, too. She had at least three different owners before us. We will accept donations of pillows and Fancy Feast.

    A couple of weeks ago we went to our friend’s house to make crepes. The first time we did it the old-fashioned way, spreading the batter inside the pan. His crepe-maker, however, made perfect crepes. It looks like an upside-down pan. Once it is heated, you dip it in the pan of batter and turn it upright. When the crepe is cooked, you turn the maker over and the crepe falls into the pile. We had these with various honeys, berries, and a homemade pecan sauce.

I yearn to worship again at Friends UCC. God was different there than he is anywhere else, I am not kidding. He was not a jealous god, he was not a god that closed doors or refused to answer questions. He opened the door up and threw guilt right out. We were married in that church, by the minister I revere above all others. Is that not a reason to celebrate and affirm? God was a Mother and a Father, and they did not play mere lip service to God's Motherhood there. I felt the Earth Mother there. I felt that I could worship the God of Heaven and the Goddess of Earth, I felt I could read books about zen, fairies, paganism, and Christ was my dearest friend yet. It's who I am, I can't stand not to question. I can't stand to blindly accept. I can't stand being among worshippers who disapprove of these doings.