Skip to main content

Cat

Reginald 2009-09-13 006

Ugh, I want to write so bad but I have to go to the store. Yuck!

Yesterday I felt dreadful. Today I feel a little better. The brightness of the sun, some new people in my work environment. The planets tilted a little bit, and suddenly my plane is not enshrouded in shadow.

Last night I felt such darkness. It seemed from every position I was hammered upon by some unsolvable problem. Still some of those phantasms loom, and they are hideous. But with every pain, every problem, every uncertainty, I become better able to bear pain, problems and uncertainties, which is fortunate, because as life advances, they become larger and worse, don't they?

My perspective has shifted so greatly in the last week. My spirituality right now does not lie in history books. It does not lie in the alignment of the planets, and I don't think the Moon Phase has anything to do with me, except on the Full Moon my hair grows astronomically, and I have to spend an hour in the bathroom with the tweezers and depilatory, and. some people I know. become deranged.

It lies in what I know, and what I don't know. What is, and what is not. There are things we know, and there are things we are not able to know. Such as what happens to us when we die. Sometimes we feel such frustration about this, but it seems totally obvious to me now that this is meant to be this way. Do you think it is an accident that you cannot know what the future brings, what death may bring, that you cannot really ever know your deity? None of it seems like an accident to me. It is no accident I have the problems or challenges in my life that I do. I look at my set of challenges, and they have my name written all over them.

I want to do well, I really do.

But I don't know what to do when I don't think I can do it.

Last night I wandered around outside in my bathrobe calling for Reginald. I always had a feeling I would end up doing stuff like that when I moved to the country. But the pain in my heart was so intense I could not stand one more thing, my missing cat. Not one more uncertainty.

Reginald never came, but I wandered, and somehow the neighbors were outside talking (why?) so I retreated to the shadowed side of the property and asked to not be alone anymore, but the answer is always the same, no matter which god you address.

And this morning Reginald was wandering back from the road, much to my relief unhappiness. And so now I am going to the store to buy better cat food, hoping that will keep him closer to the house, please, away from the road. And some dishwasher liquid, and some very, very easy to prepare meals this week.

Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

The secret to a happy home

I finished Marion Harland's guide tonight and I wonder ceaselessly at two things. 1. She is so down on America! Even more than I am. She complains of things in which I am so well-steeped I could not see them for what they were. In particular, American style and cookery. It is true that our food, which we count as so much more generous in portion than the overseas counterpart, is as coarse and indecorous as it is plentiful, but as an American woman I cast up my hands and declare I would rather spend my time on something else. She makes an interesting point about American women's fashions. In France women wear what looks good on them, and in America women wears what comes off the manufacturing line in the latest style. It is very conformist, and I have to admit I feel it in myself, for I would be embarrassed to wear something that is "out" even if it flattered me better. 2. Harland's other point I feel clearly from last night's experiences. I looked in my journ...
more &

Helen Keller

Reading this Women of Influence book is causing me to remember another of my great childhood loves -- "The Miracle Worker," the story of Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller. It was Anne Sullivan I really loved, and still love -- it always made me heartsick to think of her sacrifice, devoting every waking minute to another human being, with almost no life left to herself, until she died in old age, and Helen Keller required another translator. But God -- she must have known it -- that's the best way to live -- it is to have every moment of your life swallowed in supreme goodness and satisfaction. No wonder I loved her, and no longer do I feel sorry for her -- I envy her. I thought of her today perhaps because when I was around eight or nine I grew aware that she and I shared the same initials "AS." Today is the first day that I am Amanda Monteleone at work, and I have written my initials "AM" dozens of times already. It's strange, but the satisfaction of...
more &

Sprouts

Sprouts Originally uploaded by ladyhildegarde . I am getting sprouts. Hopefully they are carnations. It is such a beautiful spring day. It's good I'm taking the chance to come outside: I have craved a moment to reflect on something beautiful.
more &