But I really feel like saying something.
Don't even know what.
Today has been a little strange. I did this thing a couple of months ago where I spent seven hours unraveling a tangled ball of yarn. I felt a deep compulsion to do it, and I could barely even stop myself long enough to go to the bathroom or eat. But I was getting this deep satisfaction from doing it. And when I was done, it was like Ahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today I was in a completely different mindset, but I felt very existential, I needed to say, time does not exist. It doesn't matter if I waste this whole day doing something meaningless. I don't want the illusion of doing something "meaningful" right now, because no matter what I do it will be meaningless. So I have these paper dolls from what I guess is my childhood, but more like probably middle school, or when I really got into costuming and vintage movies. I have some Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable paper dolls that I cut out then, kind of messily, and so periodically I have been going back and in mincing detail "making it right." Today I did that for my Blanche du Bois paper outfits, I only have two, but I spent hours smoothing out the messy cuttings.
Then I still didn't feel like doing anything useful, so I dug my magazine clippings notebooks out and threw away all my old recipes that were for meat dishes.
Somehow that felt meaningless too, so I wrote an entry in my journal trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This isn't like the ball of yarn day. This is a mincing-tiny-cutting day.
I guess yes, that I feel a lot of anxiety about the upcoming holidays. I hate the holidays. So I'm trying to figure out if I should not do anything at all, or what?
I have also been feeling a lot of religious stress. Like I really don't like or respect the Christian faith almost at all any more, but somehow it still dominates my life, and I have to be patient, tactful and affirmative all the time it seems like, when I think people are being completely fucking ignorant. I laugh at myself because I'm really trying to be the happy, smiley, affirmative New Age maiden in Dion Fortune's book. I can't believe that was a stereotype even in like the 1940's virtually before the New Age movement even happened.
I don't know why I think being vegetarian or transitioning into being vegan is going to make my life better. It does a little bit, because at least I can say I'm completely separate from the custom of people slaughtering Christmas animals and stuffing themselves full of food around a dinner table like disgusting pigs. But still, like I feel so stressed. I guess I have really been out of my normal routine lately and seeing different things, but the next two months are going to be out of my normal routine a great deal so I'm going to have to cope with it somehow.
So what do I want to say? What do I want to say?
I don't know anything. I don't know ANYTHING. I do really, really feel like everything is meaningless. I feel so, so different from everyone else in the world, and because I don't want to be dominating, I get dominated in ways big and small by the rest of the world, and it ends up making me feel like what I want and what I feel counts for NOTHING in this world.
And by the way, what happens between Halloween and Christmas? Nothing? I think the retailers like decided Thanksgiving wasn't lucrative so they like just eradicated it.
Don't even know what.
Today has been a little strange. I did this thing a couple of months ago where I spent seven hours unraveling a tangled ball of yarn. I felt a deep compulsion to do it, and I could barely even stop myself long enough to go to the bathroom or eat. But I was getting this deep satisfaction from doing it. And when I was done, it was like Ahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today I was in a completely different mindset, but I felt very existential, I needed to say, time does not exist. It doesn't matter if I waste this whole day doing something meaningless. I don't want the illusion of doing something "meaningful" right now, because no matter what I do it will be meaningless. So I have these paper dolls from what I guess is my childhood, but more like probably middle school, or when I really got into costuming and vintage movies. I have some Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable paper dolls that I cut out then, kind of messily, and so periodically I have been going back and in mincing detail "making it right." Today I did that for my Blanche du Bois paper outfits, I only have two, but I spent hours smoothing out the messy cuttings.
Then I still didn't feel like doing anything useful, so I dug my magazine clippings notebooks out and threw away all my old recipes that were for meat dishes.
Somehow that felt meaningless too, so I wrote an entry in my journal trying to figure out what is wrong with me. This isn't like the ball of yarn day. This is a mincing-tiny-cutting day.
I guess yes, that I feel a lot of anxiety about the upcoming holidays. I hate the holidays. So I'm trying to figure out if I should not do anything at all, or what?
I have also been feeling a lot of religious stress. Like I really don't like or respect the Christian faith almost at all any more, but somehow it still dominates my life, and I have to be patient, tactful and affirmative all the time it seems like, when I think people are being completely fucking ignorant. I laugh at myself because I'm really trying to be the happy, smiley, affirmative New Age maiden in Dion Fortune's book. I can't believe that was a stereotype even in like the 1940's virtually before the New Age movement even happened.
I don't know why I think being vegetarian or transitioning into being vegan is going to make my life better. It does a little bit, because at least I can say I'm completely separate from the custom of people slaughtering Christmas animals and stuffing themselves full of food around a dinner table like disgusting pigs. But still, like I feel so stressed. I guess I have really been out of my normal routine lately and seeing different things, but the next two months are going to be out of my normal routine a great deal so I'm going to have to cope with it somehow.
So what do I want to say? What do I want to say?
I don't know anything. I don't know ANYTHING. I do really, really feel like everything is meaningless. I feel so, so different from everyone else in the world, and because I don't want to be dominating, I get dominated in ways big and small by the rest of the world, and it ends up making me feel like what I want and what I feel counts for NOTHING in this world.
And by the way, what happens between Halloween and Christmas? Nothing? I think the retailers like decided Thanksgiving wasn't lucrative so they like just eradicated it.