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Another room

My heart yearns, and it reaches.

I find myself in a place where the only truth is silence.

I feel like I have ascended upward into another room, and this room is empty because I have not yet populated it with thoughts and feelings. But I could not stay in the previous room any longer. Something made me move. It would be wrong to say it is ambition, or that this room is better than my previous room. It is more like the other room is just not mine any more. It is an old thing, a memory. I yearn and reach toward life, and in the old room there is not life.

I feel like I spoke of this before, but I don't have time to go through this journal and find it. I have a feeling I said it a couple of years ago. Maybe more, maybe less. Time is frightening. It's grave. I will come across something perhaps I have not updated for a year, even though it will seem like mere weeks. Or two or three years will pass.

Today is gray and lonely. Somehow I am not hurt by it though. Somehow I feel very alive in my desire to connect to nature, even though I cannot really stay in the forbidding grayness or the chilling tears.

Somehow I want to pass by old places in my spirit. I have lived here long enough that I see shadows of myself in places so long it is like my childhood.

I have not known how honest I should be. I have asked myself, will others identify with my words, will it serve them, or will it cause only confusion and remorse within myself? The stumbling block I have known since my adolescence is honesty. I wrote a long honest letter to my best friend and ripped it up before I sent it to her.

Would I be a different person if I had sent the letter? Do I want to be a different person? When you lose something in your life, you gain something else. Maybe that is the lesson that they have lacked. Rather than holding back and embracing the emptiness, they sought to replace. Because they did that, my daily life is still filled with pain. I understand the workings of my pain, the dangers I can cause living seated in the heart of it, but going through the logic dispels the pain only temporarily.

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