Skip to main content

Another room

My heart yearns, and it reaches.

I find myself in a place where the only truth is silence.

I feel like I have ascended upward into another room, and this room is empty because I have not yet populated it with thoughts and feelings. But I could not stay in the previous room any longer. Something made me move. It would be wrong to say it is ambition, or that this room is better than my previous room. It is more like the other room is just not mine any more. It is an old thing, a memory. I yearn and reach toward life, and in the old room there is not life.

I feel like I spoke of this before, but I don't have time to go through this journal and find it. I have a feeling I said it a couple of years ago. Maybe more, maybe less. Time is frightening. It's grave. I will come across something perhaps I have not updated for a year, even though it will seem like mere weeks. Or two or three years will pass.

Today is gray and lonely. Somehow I am not hurt by it though. Somehow I feel very alive in my desire to connect to nature, even though I cannot really stay in the forbidding grayness or the chilling tears.

Somehow I want to pass by old places in my spirit. I have lived here long enough that I see shadows of myself in places so long it is like my childhood.

I have not known how honest I should be. I have asked myself, will others identify with my words, will it serve them, or will it cause only confusion and remorse within myself? The stumbling block I have known since my adolescence is honesty. I wrote a long honest letter to my best friend and ripped it up before I sent it to her.

Would I be a different person if I had sent the letter? Do I want to be a different person? When you lose something in your life, you gain something else. Maybe that is the lesson that they have lacked. Rather than holding back and embracing the emptiness, they sought to replace. Because they did that, my daily life is still filled with pain. I understand the workings of my pain, the dangers I can cause living seated in the heart of it, but going through the logic dispels the pain only temporarily.

Popular posts from this blog

The secret to a happy home

I finished Marion Harland's guide tonight and I wonder ceaselessly at two things. 1. She is so down on America! Even more than I am. She complains of things in which I am so well-steeped I could not see them for what they were. In particular, American style and cookery. It is true that our food, which we count as so much more generous in portion than the overseas counterpart, is as coarse and indecorous as it is plentiful, but as an American woman I cast up my hands and declare I would rather spend my time on something else. She makes an interesting point about American women's fashions. In France women wear what looks good on them, and in America women wears what comes off the manufacturing line in the latest style. It is very conformist, and I have to admit I feel it in myself, for I would be embarrassed to wear something that is "out" even if it flattered me better. 2. Harland's other point I feel clearly from last night's experiences. I looked in my journ...

Helen Keller

Reading this Women of Influence book is causing me to remember another of my great childhood loves -- "The Miracle Worker," the story of Anne Sullivan and Helen Keller. It was Anne Sullivan I really loved, and still love -- it always made me heartsick to think of her sacrifice, devoting every waking minute to another human being, with almost no life left to herself, until she died in old age, and Helen Keller required another translator. But God -- she must have known it -- that's the best way to live -- it is to have every moment of your life swallowed in supreme goodness and satisfaction. No wonder I loved her, and no longer do I feel sorry for her -- I envy her. I thought of her today perhaps because when I was around eight or nine I grew aware that she and I shared the same initials "AS." Today is the first day that I am Amanda Monteleone at work, and I have written my initials "AM" dozens of times already. It's strange, but the satisfaction of...

Sprouts

Sprouts Originally uploaded by ladyhildegarde . I am getting sprouts. Hopefully they are carnations. It is such a beautiful spring day. It's good I'm taking the chance to come outside: I have craved a moment to reflect on something beautiful.