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The real world

Again I am plagued with that feeling that I am not doing right. I worked out my weekly schedule hoping to allot time for all things I want to do, but I can see that there is still more to work out. There are some things I feel closer to eliminating from my life completely. When I cast my mind back to years before I can see that I was held in place by a routine and driven by a goal, and that somehow that work was happier than what I do now. I have never completely confronted the fact that I felt bereft on entering so unceremoniously "the real world." When I consider my strange behavior after college graduation it makes even more sense. I stayed up till 3 and 4 in the morning shopping on the Internet. I think I did not want to face the uncertainty. And now, I tend to do the same thing when I am confronted with uncertainty.

By all means, let me confront the uncertainty. Let me empty my closet of so many meaningless things now. Let me undo this tangle of things and uncertainty and wind my way back toward my point of origin. Let me remember. Let me be free. I am so afraid of facing unstructured time.

I feel like I came into the world somewhat overprepared. I can write good thesis papers, to what end? This world is so different. There is not the drive toward an end in a job the way there is in school. I think that's what it is for me. I think that's what I haven't gotten over. One day feels so much like the next. They flow together, and I find it frightening.

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