Ugh, I want to write so bad but I have to go to the store. Yuck!
Yesterday I felt dreadful. Today I feel a little better. The brightness of the sun, some new people in my work environment. The planets tilted a little bit, and suddenly my plane is not enshrouded in shadow.
Last night I felt such darkness. It seemed from every position I was hammered upon by some unsolvable problem. Still some of those phantasms loom, and they are hideous. But with every pain, every problem, every uncertainty, I become better able to bear pain, problems and uncertainties, which is fortunate, because as life advances, they become larger and worse, don't they?
My perspective has shifted so greatly in the last week. My spirituality right now does not lie in history books. It does not lie in the alignment of the planets, and I don't think the Moon Phase has anything to do with me, except on the Full Moon my hair grows astronomically, and I have to spend an hour in the bathroom with the tweezers and depilatory, and. some people I know. become deranged.
It lies in what I know, and what I don't know. What is, and what is not. There are things we know, and there are things we are not able to know. Such as what happens to us when we die. Sometimes we feel such frustration about this, but it seems totally obvious to me now that this is meant to be this way. Do you think it is an accident that you cannot know what the future brings, what death may bring, that you cannot really ever know your deity? None of it seems like an accident to me. It is no accident I have the problems or challenges in my life that I do. I look at my set of challenges, and they have my name written all over them.
I want to do well, I really do.
But I don't know what to do when I don't think I can do it.
Last night I wandered around outside in my bathrobe calling for Reginald. I always had a feeling I would end up doing stuff like that when I moved to the country. But the pain in my heart was so intense I could not stand one more thing, my missing cat. Not one more uncertainty.
Reginald never came, but I wandered, and somehow the neighbors were outside talking (why?) so I retreated to the shadowed side of the property and asked to not be alone anymore, but the answer is always the same, no matter which god you address.
And this morning Reginald was wandering back from the road, much to my relief unhappiness. And so now I am going to the store to buy better cat food, hoping that will keep him closer to the house, please, away from the road. And some dishwasher liquid, and some very, very easy to prepare meals this week.