A Reprise

"He has been back for three days, three days -- and I have not known-- he has not come to me. I counted each moment he was gone, and I spent the seven days my mind had generously alotted for his leave-taking in carefully-contained composure, bearing the pain and the endless amount of questions. It is too much-- it is too much to ask to treat me this way and go-- but I bore the seven days, and at the end of them I was on pins and needles with torment, absolutely certain that he too must be feeling this uncertainty even to the smallest degree-- and at the very least-- at least would have seen me, would have regarded me. See, he is in the next room-- look, these exchanges we have had-- this semblance of friendship. It is dust. My mind is rattled. I am mistaken-- I hallucinate-- I pretended friendship where it is not. I have arrayed myself beautifully, and what a parade of stupid nonsense I am."

I have been dividing my time between The Fourth Turning  and Moon Magic . The Fourth Turning  is fascinating the way it talks about what is going on right now, even though it was written in 1997. So far everything it's predicted about the media and social attitudes has come to pass. The Millenial/Gen Y still has not come forth and expressed itself. According to the book, the "hero" generation doesn't do that until the time of the crisis itself. Until that time they don't have a collective identity. Last night I drew the 6 of cups. The 6 of cups is about nostalgia, childhood. This is the second time I've drawn a card like this querying for strength and what will help me get through. Moon Magic  continues to be a turning-point reading for me. I identify most with the author simply for creating a character like this and learning from her. I feel I have done this with Lady Hildegarde, and I reflected on her yesterday to see what she is "doing." I w

One thing I learned in the Enchanted Diary is that I am clairsentient. It is a nice way of saying that I am too easily affected by other people's moods and can get too involved in their business. I think this is true, and I think it's also true that I can sense the moods and presences of things that aren't even people, and I've been experiencing that more lately. In my loftier reading I am learning about the Astral Plane. Sometimes when I feel like I have been fighting but it's like the memory of a dream, I think the invisible aspect of me has been fighting something invisible, and it only dimly reaches my conscious mind. But now that I am working with these energies I am starting to sense it.

I found this in Half Price Books a few weeks ago, and I felt so upset when I saw it. I thumbed through it and felt, I should have found this when I was a teen, it's not fair -- just not fair-- and I had the feeling Molly has when she sees the Unicorn, "How dare you come to me now? When I am this?" but the unicorn says, "I am here now," in the half-startled, half-cold way that is hers. I bought the book, and I have been reading it and doing the work as time allowed, and I will share some of it when I can.

Happy lunch, love, I am still here, and I am still capable of writing whatever I like. I have so much to tell you, so much to say. Sometimes I think I am the same person as I was in 2003. There are definitely shades, but I have realized so much, and the shadows in myself as I see myself at the beginning of my journey are the beginning points from which I grew. The plain, tenacious part of me. That is the same. I wish that I could talk about lovely things, but I find it is not a lovely day. I am fighting something again, I do not know what I am fighting. For weeks now I have been getting this feeling, ever so often that I am fighting. This weekend I received some great revelations about conflict. I did not come into this world equipped to face conflict. No, I want to tell you about another story. This is not a nice neat blog entry. It's choppy and hard to read. The only authentic thing I can give you is the reflection of my mind, and this is a mirror that will reflect it.

Sigh, dog , a photo by ladyhildegarde on Flickr. Even though I specifically asked for the girl happy meal at McDonalds a little while ago, they gave me this hell-beast unknown to me, sigh, which had become a fixture in the home until tonight.

Could've been , a photo by ladyhildegarde on Flickr. Love this. I wonder if people get me sometimes. I have always thought it sweet when people apologize for cursing in front of me, but fuck is like my favorite word. I have always had hang-ups about how to deal with people. Like sometimes people will assume I'm really sweet and Christian and I'm like, um, so, are you going to like the real me? I have a mish mash of ethics, hang-ups and personal beliefs that don't correspond to organized religion I've studied, so I try to just not worry about it. It's funny too, when I'm in safe harbor is when I get so mad, in retrospect.

The kitchen garden , a photo by ladyhildegarde on Flickr. My kitchen garden is still doing well. I lost my thyme, Vietnamese cilantro and possibly the chocolate mint, but many plants are flourishing right now. Once the weather cools, in about a month, I will introduce new herbs.

At dusk , a photo by ladyhildegarde on Flickr. Evening coming sooner.