A Reprise

I am so impatient to get to the shelter but I know I need to wait till after work to have some more time with the animals. I have no idea how a dog will fit into my life but somehow it seems he will be a dignified little man and should share Christmas with us. I scarcely slept last night. Everything sort of seems like a nightmare, yesterday, everything. I am so tired. I am trying to read Color Me Beautiful and be happily independent but I couldn't care less. Be brave. These days always end. They have never failed to once.

Today above all others I feel those two natures warring within me. I never know if listening to Emilie Autumn gives me multiple personalities, or if I listen to Emilie when I have them. But today, Hildegarde and Oriente. The dominant and the submissive. I am fighting Hildegarde to give Oriente a chance, and this fight puts me in a constant concentration. How can I explain? When I am acting out of ego, out of need, I feel that surge of her dominance, but with head bowed, voice silent, I struggle to maintain Oriente's perfect nature of noninterfering.

There are ashes in a jar They are not ashes but my days My hours and minutes My thoughts bitten off My self deferred They are not ashes but my moments and my years Blow gently Gently, gently like a bubble Sink quietly and unremarkably into the deep Earth, air, fire and water together combine This is a destruction of a destruction These are clouds in the sky Blowing softly over the God's expanse They are not clouds, but they are my dreams My wishes and desires My hope floating softly A veil across the dark These are not clouds but my vision and my self Float gently Gently, gently like a petal Swathe me with your unbreakable silken strands Earth, air, fire and water together combine This is a replacement of a replacement

Okay, I don't hate all Christmas music, because David Bowie's little drummer boy song with the other man is the bomb. But that is the only one.

"She met some women... and the manners of those who attacked the sailors, made her shrink into herself, and exclaim, are these my fellow creatures!" I know that's real. That will have to be my new battle affirmation when I see things that give me a struggle. Are these my fellow creatures.

I'm sharing a cup of tea with my hen who disappeared yesterday when I found some dogs on our property. I have been grieving her all day, as Snow White has been missing for nearly two weeks now. When Nathan gets home Beauty will go in the shed with the other chickens, and they will never be outside unprotected again. It may be wrong, but I completely hate dogs now.

Oh my goodness so I am trying to write on my poor computer, whose backspace and P ... pretty much don't work at all anymore. So I have been spending my breaks downloading beautiful fashion mooks um semi-legally which would run me $20-$40 otherwise ... and when I get a computer virus from it ... well, it won't matter much. And this little POS. Oh my goodness. iWhatever was not made for serious writers apparently. Most people won't complain when their WTFBBQ texts are crashed out, but when I am writing a chapter and ... ? Oh my goodness. I miss my Treo. I know it's wrong but I do. I also miss my computer working. Let's see. Well my work life is so different now that I almost feel kind of sick from the reeling changes. You know I want to change my career. You know I do. But I am still here, and I have a completely different supervisor, and things have changed enough I would say it is like I have had a 50% job change. My work day is very different now. It's really t