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I have to keep moving

Because I find that you are always on my heels.


As soon as I find resolution with one problem, it disappears, and then I am presented with another problem.


So I say, what way can I twist to rid myself of this cramp, is there some way I can contort myself such that in the worst case scenario I can still manage.


And amazing even though I know I'm not approaching this problem in the right way, I do always come up with a way to twist myself, and I realize I am re-inventing myself, I am re-inventing myself to run away from a monster, but somehow it works.


I face the monster and I say, here is my arsenal, and I lay out my weapons before him, I lay out my philosophies and my loves and desires and dreams and say, here, this is not something you can be or understand. And then I win that battle, and then there's another monster to face me.


What do you do when there is this kind of problem within yourself, where these monsters will always come. What can I write, what can I craft, what can I think that will untie this spell, this work that has me bound in my insecurity and rage.


Otherwise, I have not been thinking so much of generations lately, I have been thinking more of scenes, which I guess is a smaller mind compared to the greater consideration of generational groups.


On Saturday night I experienced two very different scenes, and I was acutely aware of those scenes, and even though I didn't search out those scenes particularly I have been experimentally dwelling in my mind and in my self in different scenes sort of experiencing them. Scenes are different from generations in that I think in every generation similar kinds of scenes will exist.


Well, Saturday night we went to a classical concert, and the scene was an older crowd, and I felt very uncomfortable with and critical of them. I felt that they were stodgy and that they were not experiencing the music as it was meant to be experienced. I think some pieces like dance pieces were not meant to be dissected and listened to with great concentration, I think you are just sort of listening for something that isn't there.


Then we were very hungry, and we went to a nearby gelato shop, but unfortunately it wasn't enough, we were really very hungry, so we searched and finally found somewhere that was open in the hours after 10 p.m. Well, this happened to be a part of the city which is probably famous, but I have never heard of it, our open restaurants were in the midst of gay bars and gay clubs and the streets were crowded with many, many people and many who were obviously gay, but all were sort of exhibiting themselves in this way, that I guess you do in a club scene, no matter whether you're straight or gay.


So in the restaurant I'm very discomforted but also aware of and sort of experiencing this scene for the first time, and reeling from its absolute differences from the previous scene in which I had been immersed.


Then last Friday night we sort of experienced a scene where we were in a coffee house but we were suddenly in a very small group in a circle listening to live musicians among people we'd never seen before, and there was a certain feeling that this was usual in this place, there was a sudden lawlessness here actually, because people were drinking alcohol and there was a sense, well, that somewhere people were smoking marijuana because I could smell it, and I've never experienced this kind of place in Texas, it's definitely what I've fantasized about a lot, but I've never gathered among a group of people that were genuinely this uninhibited in this region.


Our church is very open-minded, but when I am there I do get a sense of restraint that I did not get in the coffee house. You know, to be honest I have a lot of inhibitions about this church, which is very frustrating, because it's probably the only church within 300 miles that would say, yes, Amanda, absolutely explore your spirituality, so glad to hear you are working with tarot, and they even have classes on going through the chakras and stuff I mean, my goodness, where else can I find a church that is mostly Christian and satisfies my and my husband's beliefs both, but I get really edgy there. Because it feels like it is about success and money, which is the same thing all the other churches are about now too. It absolutely deflates me. Even their daily quotes on their social network page are all about being a leader and being successful.


I guess what I experienced that night in that strange intimate gathering with strangers so extremely different than anyone else I ever see that it was literally like being on a different planet, that they did not really care less about being rich or poor, it was about their journey, their self-expression, their art. I realize I'm being very idealistic and reading my own desires into things, but I can't really let that alone, I feel the strong desire to move further into that place, to dwell and experience again, I am really searching, I am in a time right now where I feel a constant anger and rebellion and it's weird because I was right in that place in 2003 and here I am again.


Is there some similarity to this time and that time, I wonder why I feel so unsettled, so in need of creating a new identity. I really immersed myself then in Japanese pop culture, and I'm just as immersed now really, I've roved from gothic lolita to fairy kei and mori girl and there and back again, but Japanese pop culture has become more of a tool I use to connect with my own desires and to lift those creative ideas, that is definitely what's different now, I have learned absolutely to not try to conform to those styles.


So I became an independent sort of nomad always looking for his home, always looking, also for that place that was "before." This room, this journal, is where I'm trying to find the "before" again. For a while it was easy, I could play the same song that I played when I wrote my first story about Lady Hildegarde, I could light candles and make a cup of tea and be there again, but that is the introverted me, now I'm interested in sort of being part of the larger world, no longer this world where only one person exists.


And the "before" in case you're wondering is the "before" college, I was able to pursue my private and research interests uninhbitedly up throughout high school because I was absolutely convinced that once I reached college I would uh "find the other unicorns" be surrounded by others who were just like me, that cared about the things that I did, when I consider that innocence, yeah, I really do pity myself, I really do want to hold her and let her know she should grieve because I mean, what a let-down, what a surprise. Not only did I not find a single person I could connect to I was let known that my Christian faith was no faith at all, I experienced the fanaticism known as conservative Christianity which has absolutely swept away Texas as far as I can tell.


Anyway, isn't this all nonsense? Oh well.


Author note much later .. ugh this needs editing, I Apologize. I don't have time, this entry is already so old, and so here are my feelings Raw and Real. Ugh.



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