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I feel I've lost touch with you, but we will reconnect now

I'm not getting smarter or "above" blogging or anything. In one sense my standards are too high, and I avoid posting when I am in a perfectionist mood. I fought that mood this weekend and won. I am sloppy, messy, irresponsible Amanda with the chores not done and I'm even procrastinating getting home.

If I am perfectionist I'm not open-minded, and I feel shielded from the sun, always a little cold in shadow. I know in order for me to live I have to let go of keeping it all together. I just try to keep it most together, but my focus is not on cleanliness or order. My focus is on my dreams and my passions.

My dreams and my passions for Southeast Asia are so intense. Last night I lay awake picturing the sun-baked pagodas lying in ruin in Pagan, Burma, and I could feel warm wind on my face and this expanse where I was surrounded by ruins untended, and there was no one but me just lying there in the grass. I pictured the sky as warm and sunny, but with deep clouds thickening over the plain of ruins. The rainy season coming.

I started my Pimsleur Korean today in earnest. When I let go of myself I can pronounce it. When I let go of the Western syllables and harsh consonants. I want to be there. I would do anything to be there. This is like the Turkish/Ottoman obsessions I would get in my adolescence but so much stronger and now that I'm equipped with the mobility and command of an adult I'm afraid of myself, because I'm not dreaming any longer. It's time to do things.

These dreams got lost in fear and confusion and conflict when I became a teen. Things that are crippling but when I give them a name they seem silly and shallow compared to the wealth of knowledge about the world awaiting me. Things that were other people's problems.

I want to give you the shadow of my feelings also. It follows me around all the time. I hate my own culture. I hate everything about it. I hate my culture's tastes in absolutely everything. I hate the religion. I hate the motivations that made my own country. I know it makes my life much better than some. I know I should be grateful. But I hate Western thought, culture and values.

And it haunts me because this is who I am. I can't and shouldn't escape my own identity. How can I separate my self from the society that made me?

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