I have come of age.
I have come to a time when I struggle constantly with what is important to me, what should be lasting in my life.
I want to express myself. Succeeding in that expression is more important to me than having a successful career of that expression. I want to express my individuality in ways permanent and impermanent. Impermanent ways are my dress and appearance, more permanent ways are physical objects I create, and the most permanent are my writings and photos. I do not totally understand how to balance the importance of these three. My life feels devoid of immediate happiness when I focus myself entirely on writing, and it feels devoid of lasting happiness when I focus exclusively on creating objects and on my personal style, both of those I consider as lifestyle.
In fact, I would consider all three to be what I call an artistic lifestyle. It is very important to me to have and preserve the concept of myself as an artist. If I fail to give myself opportunity to express or contemplate, I feel constrained and desperate, feel a deep resentment toward my job and structured lifestyle.
Opposed to this desire for an artistic lifestyle I desire a traditional lifestyle. I desire order and mastery of all domestic subjects. I want to be in control of the home, its cleanliness and practicality at all times. I want to master domestic and decorative skills and prove my prowess in a lasting sense.
I experience on a regular basis,
A worship of beauty
A longing for the distant past
Love for the gothic
Need for enlightenment
Need to settle myself
Desire to reconcile and balance all relationships
Wanting fame, to leave my mark
Insecurity that I am clinging to things not for me, because of my generation
A need to stick out
A terror of incomformity
Total apathy, lack of energy or motivation
Often coupled with internal restlessness by which I feel paralyzed
A total lack of identification with anyone my age