Skip to main content

Crisis

I am excited because,

After work today I'm going to Borders and using my free drink coupon and going to post more pics!

I have been looking forward to it all day.

I recognized this morning that I am in an awkward place, a crossroads, maybe, an inner search. I tried like reading about women of integrity and not paying so much attention to my appearance these past couple days but that didn't work. I am not being true to myself by doing that, which is sad, I know.

One day I feel like I'm 18. The next like I'm middle aged. It's so confusing. I want this dream of self-expression and fulfillment to last forever, but can it, truly? What will there be for me when I am older? What will there be for me when my hair turns gray? What will I be then, an old mermaid?

I will be an old mermaid. That's true.

At least I am getting a good book out of this. I knew my last novel in the trilogy needed to be about an artist's model and appearances. Now that I'm into Jane Morris and stuff and especially the psychology I feel like I have so much material. That's what I love about a personal crisis.

Okay, I have to go.

Dammit, I don't want to be an old mermaid. I'm afraid.

Popular posts from this blog

The secret to a happy home

I finished Marion Harland's guide tonight and I wonder ceaselessly at two things. 1. She is so down on America! Even more than I am. She complains of things in which I am so well-steeped I could not see them for what they were. In particular, American style and cookery. It is true that our food, which we count as so much more generous in portion than the overseas counterpart, is as coarse and indecorous as it is plentiful, but as an American woman I cast up my hands and declare I would rather spend my time on something else. She makes an interesting point about American women's fashions. In France women wear what looks good on them, and in America women wears what comes off the manufacturing line in the latest style. It is very conformist, and I have to admit I feel it in myself, for I would be embarrassed to wear something that is "out" even if it flattered me better. 2. Harland's other point I feel clearly from last night's experiences. I looked in my journ...
more &

Sprouts

Sprouts Originally uploaded by ladyhildegarde . I am getting sprouts. Hopefully they are carnations. It is such a beautiful spring day. It's good I'm taking the chance to come outside: I have craved a moment to reflect on something beautiful.
more &

Poor sleep and bad dreams

I had a bad time of it last night. Going on two weeks now, I haven't felt right. I think though I don't talk about it that I haven't been right since I found out about Mrs. Mark. Lately I have been awakened in the middle of the night by Jonah's frights. I have to turn on the lights to check on him, and this normally wakes me up thoroughly. I can't not check on him because the thought that he might have hurt himself keeps me awake. Last night he was on the perch and the other two were on the floor, looking frightened. Why's my bird have to be such a pain in the ass? Why do I love him almost more than any other living thing? And I don't dream in my sleep so much as think, and it's never of anything calming: either of an error in one of my projects, or something just gruesome.
more &