Skip to main content

Can't breathe

The dim shadows of happiness, the little bits and pieces of idea, the little flickers and flares. I was going to put them together. I was going to re-craft Cambriel. I was going to sew some more and stitch the industrial patterns I found this weekend of granaries and windmills. I love those things.

Life has a way of making you deal with it. I thought if I crafted myself coldly this morning somehow I would survive, but while there are no serious exterior conflicts, inwardly I am crumbling.

I need the grass and sun. I need someone or something to tell me it will all be okay. This morning my talismans of bravery are cold black business attire and t.a.t.u. It's not enough, but it has to be, and so it is, and what glues it all together and makes it work is this insidious pain at my heart, the sacrifice to make this everyday day just normal.

Popular posts from this blog

Burke Cemetery

This cemetery was near Waterside. We wandered there after dinner. The first, and oldest, grave, mentioned in the historical marker.

Studying with Dolls

In the afternoons, I usually take my laptop or a book to the bed and study, and a doll for company. Gertrude is sitting on my bed desk. I got her in 2015 from the Korean doll company Dollmore. She's a "Flocke" sculpt. Willow is sitting with my headphones. She's made by the Chinese company Angel of Dream. I got her in 2013. She's a "Qing" sculpt.
Two older entries I edited tonight re-posted today's date. However, the original month/year is still visible in the permalink. Looking back on the past often makes me cringe, especially when I remember my own behavior. However, re-reading these entries makes me feel the past is accessible in the sense that I am still holding on to many of the same dreams and desires. This week, for comps, I read two early gothics, James Hogg's The Private Memoir and Confessions of a Justified Sinner , and Charles Brockden Brown's Edgar Huntly; or, a Sleep-Walker , which were very much along the lines of the books that absorbed me from 2005-2007, most of which I read on my Treo from Project Gutenberg. Looking back upon my interests and desires of that time sustains me now, when I have to tap into my reserves every day to keep reading.