I feel myself now in a curious in-between. I am trying to be myself, because I find to express any of my various personas simply doesn't fit. I feel uncertain.
I like it when I make the decision to do something. I am filled with this spirit of confidence. Right now I wish I could enter into that hyper attitude, that I have entered into so often in the past few months, and often written in this blog in that attitude, but I have to be honest about where I am now.
I am uncertain.
I have a couple of things to talk about, so perhaps it will not be inauthentic to mention them now, even though I'm not flying headlong into the wind.
I have continued my studies in the three aspects of the Goddess. This weekend I read an article which made me feel sort of afraid about the future. To be a Maiden is involuntary. To be a Crone is involuntary. Yet to be a Mother is voluntary. The Mother is the height, the summer, the conflagration of life. However I don't embody the aspects of the Mother. I am a self-interested person. I tend to neglect looking outside of myself. Many times I feel threatened. I do a lot of comparing of myself with others. And that is not good. We know who that is. Well, maybe you don't.
Let me catch you up. The story of Snow White is about the three aspects of the Goddess. The Stepmother is not a Mother, because she remains a self-interested Maiden. There are many women in the world who are the Stepmother. This is because we live in an enforced patriarchal society where women cannot understand themselves or their true aspects, ahem. Let me get back to it though.
I am a lover of Beauty. I am a worshipper of Beauty. I seek diligently and sincerely to embody Beauty at all times. But when I read this article my consciousness shifted, and a realm of Beauty was revealed that I had not considered.
Now, you could have said, Amanda, you are being a little selfish and perhaps immature for your age, maybe you should, you know, do a little bit more for others, but that would not have registered for me. I am too esoteric for that. You have to put things in my language. Ha ha.
I don't know how to enter this realm of Beauty. I have been feeling for the door tentatively, fearfully, realizing that it is a risk to enter. Yet to become a Mother is to enter the fullness of Beauty.
Sometimes the sun rises, and it is mid-day, and we are in the windowless office, and we never see the sun till it is nearly down again. That is how life can be if you go straight from Maiden to Crone. That is how I am feeling now.
I am feeling so afraid. I am feeling afraid of missing the high noon, the fullness, and I am afraid of entering that fullness and making a fool of myself.
But some experiences and personas have entered my life, and I better understand those warnings. They say, you may be the Maiden. You may exist in self-interested Beauty. On the one hand, it is a temptation to decorate myself as the Maiden to the end of my days and live carefree. But now that I have this revelation, I realize I am staying indoors in my life, in the windowless office, and I will never see high noon if I stay in here being admired. Do you know what I am saying? That is not a metaphor.
Now that I have grown conscious of this problem, I am learning to live quietly with the burden of understanding until I find the right way to move forward. I am trying to console myself that when I have this level of revelation, my spirit will not rest until I have heaved myself into the next dimension one way or another.
But right now, I am in-between.
The other thing is, I am reading Charlotte Bronte's The Green Dwarf, which is a fantasy romance novel she wrote in her youth, and it is really precious.