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The dark time

Often as the day grows older I get a great sense of anxiety, like I need to do something. Often when I have this feeling I will go late into the night shopping on eBay or doing something mindless to block that overwhelming feeling.

It seems like such a thing in my life that I don't think I can be the only person that feels this way. The day is over, I am dissatisfied. I want to let of this ambition. It steals the moments on the porch, the long, long days that last forever in which I manage to do nothing  and everything.

I want to know that if I let go of this tension, that everything will be okay as time goes on, that I don't need to jump tracks or produce a magnum opus.

I don't want to produce a great work to have the kind of happiness I want to have. I want to let go of those ambitions. It seems behind each one is an insecurity.

I want to have the mind I had before college, when I had no driving need, no ambition, no expectation. In order to do this I have to let go. I am going to start doing that now.

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