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Epochs

In studying generational theory and the turning-over of eras, and the repetition of eras, I feel like I can see this pattern in my own life, but it's not completely clear. Often I feel like I've entered a time when I am just like I was at a certain age. I can see it in my actions, words and preferences.

I can also characterize my eras by discoveries of art, culture or entertainment that have made an astounding change in me that starts radiating outward. I can also think of eras when I have not had a reference art/culture to inspire me, and I have struggled artistically and otherwise.

I normally don't recognize the discovery at first. It will bother my mind as something "strange" bother me more and more until I turn it over and reconcile it. It is always frightening to reconcile this new thing into my character. I tend to be drawn to things that I know other people will think are strange, so there will be a time of resistance and questioning as I ask myself who I really am, and what is really coming into being is, do I have the courage to be this thing.

In the past six months or more there has been an incredible turning-over for me. I can sort of try to name my epochs, though they are much easier to name when they are over. My present epoch is special to me, other people could lift an eyebrow and say this or that word, if they wanted to.

I was undone completely by the creative work of Emilie Autumn. I think I found her last winter, and I think there was a reconciliation time within myself as I feared to integrate concepts and aesthetics that conflicted with many more conservative things about me. The turning-over, the integration, was incredible, as I said, why, fuck it, I don't care what other people think, I absolutely don't care, I would rather die that not know the freedom of this self-expression in my writing, in my photography.

After seeing her visual work, I realized I shouldn't be afraid to do anything. And I am not. The great turning-over for me was not only musical or aesthetic, it was personality-wise. Something's shifted, I am no longer controlled by fear, I let my judgment control my actions instead.

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