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Other Unicorns

I can't believe it, there's going to be a NaNoWriMo chapter in my immediate area for all of our little small towns. I'm so excited, I have to go to an event now, finally. I have written three wrimo novels -- the only novels I ever complete now will probably be through this challenge. If I finally go to an event I may meet the Other Unicorns. They may even live around me. My god, who knows???

I am so excited about what I'm writing this year. It is everything I am and everything I need to say right now. It's about my reading, my ideas, my spirit, and the way I've become this person now. I can't wait for November. I am still trying to decide if I'm going to put it online or not. Right now I'm saying yes, but not right away so I can have some breathing room, say what I need to say all the way without worrying about putting it out there. But I will be posting my daily word counts here. The NaNoWriMo site crashes or is really slow in November (when people actually use it) and it just wastes my time updating my word count.

My heart is hurting right now. You don't know, you just don't know. But I am doing the right thing, I am sharing my thoughts and my feelings with others now. And I love others, every person, because I can see so easily behind every prejudice, every hateful thing, is fear, and I understand fear. My god, if life has taught me one thing it's, oh my god, Amanda, please don't keep it to yourself if something bad is happening to you, guess what, here is a secret.

When I was a child I shared my thoughts and my feelings, but then bad things happened to me I could not tell other people. So you form a habit really fast of putting on a happy face and not admitting it if something bad happens to you. This puts you in a situation where you can be abused your whole life, because it's actually very hard to turn that around when you've done it since childhood. I am telling you this because I tell the truth as best as I know it, I have an uneasy relationship with reality because I am not afraid to walk off cliffs or take risks anymore. Everything feels like a dream when the world tilts and shifts this way.

I have to tell the truth, it's the only way I can be a gentle person. For years I have been under high risk of being all kinds of different things and people, but in the end there's only one path for me, and I'm taking it now, you're reading it. It's not who I am to be harsh edges, or even too up front or demanding. At the same time, life has been too rough with me to allow me to be a good Christian girl, a sweet, conservative girl. I had to find other ways and other philosophies because I could not survive with the ones given to me, the principal ones to stuff down my feelings and put on a happy face, and if I feel upset about something it's because I am about to start my period and have PMS. Bull shit!!

This is the way I save myself, and maybe some day I will help other people too. The tarot card that is the thing I need to Learn to reach my Goal is the Star. That's one foot on solid ground, and one foot in the dream world. It is hard to live that way, I long for safety and peace, yet I also long to be in and with the world (the World card is my Problem in the way of my Goal btw). Out of 78 cards how can these be mere coincidence when they make sense where they were placed. The tarot is a living relationship between me and my guiding spirit, and I began tarot expecting nothing, but I found a channel through which I am learning to help myself.

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